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As the world gets smaller, more and more of us are choosing to fly. With the increase of budget airlines and cheaper fares, it is no surprise that this has become the number one form of transport for long distance journeys.
Although this time saving method of travelling may appear straight forward, it is in fact riddled with pitfalls and bugbears. I am sure you have yourself encountered some of these pet hates. Here are a few top tips to put you ahead of the game next time you fly.
1. Claiming Your Rightful Space on the Armrest:
Ah, a problem as old as time. You have just settled yourself in for the flight and the world is good. But then, an oversized sweaty forearm creeps into your peripheral vision, before promptly nudging your arm out of its rightful place. Oh the injustice of it!
Fear not my spatially challenged friend! There is a surefire way to claim your rightful spot back, without the disapproving tuts and sly, but polite nudges back and forth, that you have employed in the past.
I have used this method a very many times and it has never failed once. You simply cough into your hand (the louder the better, I personally like to recreate the sex noise of an Alpaca mixed with the phlegm tinged cough of a 60 a day smoker) and lay it back down on the arm rest. To be really sure, you can appear to wipe your hand over the end of the arm rest. This will deter even the most persistent space thief. You can now sit back and enjoy the flight in relative comfort.
Another variation on this method is to just place your hand on theirs and smile (preferably in a creepy manner). However, from personal experience this can take a weird turn. I once tried this technique on a flight back from Hong Kong. The end result was that I held hands with a stranger for 13 hours...his name was Jeremy.
2. Don't be that guy!
Long before you get to enter into an armrest war you must clear security. This has sadly, but rightly so, become a more invasive process in recent years. I am sure that you too have stood in that queue! You know, the one that rivals the line outside of the Apple store every September. You stand there watching the imbeciles that haven't thought to take off their belt, even though they have been watching everyone in front go through the motions for the last hour or so.
In order to make this as painless as possible, just follow these guidelines, and more importantly, make sure other people see you do it. Humans are such sheep, most sensible people will start to follow you, thus making this much more pleasant for all. It will also set you apart as the savvy, worldly traveller you are!
One - put everything you own in your bag. You don't need it, it will be there when you get through the other side. This will avoid the awkward pocket searching, thus meaning you won't look like that awkward cousin that never brings his wallet to the bar! Do you want to be Phillip? Do you?
Two - take out your laptop and/or tablet; this will instantly trigger a warm smile from the security agent (a feat in itself) while at the same time allowing you to show off your fancy tech! Simple!
Three - take off your clothes, well at least as many as you can whilst still appearing socially acceptable. Nobody wants their holiday or business trip cut short all because of a stray testicle popping out to wink at the old lady stood next to you.
And there you have it. The three golden rules to the security gate. Follow these and make the world a better place.
3. Keep an eye out for wandering flight attendants.
During a long flight our bodies are exposed to all sorts of unnatural things. One such high altitude treat is the pressure that your body is exposed to. As everyone knows, pressure must escape somewhere. I am sure you can use your imagination; let's just say it's a good job the engines are loud.
Although flight attendants look like another species, they are in fact human. As such they are just as susceptible to mid flight flatulence as the rest of us. However, instead of politely farting on their neighbour like me and you, they are on a whole other level of gross. I believe in the industry its called "crop dusting."
So, if you see that smiley air host working their way up the aisle, do not be fooled! They are not there to check on your welfare, in fact it's quite the opposite. When they are walking, so should you be, preferably the other way.
4. Avoid the mile high club!
I feel like this is pretty self explanatory. However I know there will be some horny teenagers reading this that just simply won't be able to keep it in their pants for the duration.
Most aeroplane toilets have the hygiene of a trucker's rest stop. Ask yourself, would you happily rub your naked backside around the floor of a nightclub toilet?! Well this is basically on the same level if not worse. It's not even advisable to enter them for the intended use if you can avoid it.
However, if you wish to ignore this warning, I would like it hear from you! Please do get in touch and tell me about all the fantastic, exotic diseases you contracted.
5. Getting Some Sleep
If you are the boring sort and find yourself uninterested in all of the joys stated above, then getting some sleep might be the preferable option. Struggle to sleep in a confined metal pipe 40,000 ft off the ground you say? Well worry not. There are two fantastic options to help you on your way.
One - Drink! Yes delightful isn't it? Those gassy flight attendants are more than happy to serve you free booze for the duration. Just be careful not to drink so much that you accidentally grope the person sat next to you (especially if it's the same old lady that your wayward testicle said hello to earlier). It doesn't end well, trust me!
Two - Drugs. Yes that right kids, Doctors can be more than helpful when helping you deal with those tricky long flights. They have an array of sleep inducing pharmaceuticals at their disposal. This method also has the added benefit of a total lack of awareness. Perfect in the event of a air disaster or that drunken groping neighbour.
There you have it! I hope you will find these tips helpful next time you embark on an excursion overseas.