So you're having a baby. First of all, let me say this: girl, I respect your journey. You are so brave. What with the crazy swelling, delicious stuff unexpectedly making you want to vom, and the whole caring-for-someone-else-until-your-dying-day thing, my feelings on this concept can be summed up by the iconic words of Randy Jackson, the most mentally stable of the OG American Idol judges: "It's a no from me, dawg."
But it's a yes from you, dawg, and that's great! Parenthood is beautiful and noble. And babies are so cute, once you clean the goo off and give them hats. However, you know what else is pretty tops? Going on vacay. So since it might be a long time before your next child-free trip, I suggest you take this opportunity to embrace the calm before the storm. Here are some tips for planning a babymoon vacation.
Consider the timing.
Timing is everything when it comes to a trip like this. The babymoon vacation sweet spot is in the second trimester, because you’re most likely done throwing up (respecting your journey), but you’ve still got some time to go before you have to push a human being out of yourself (so, so brave). Also, let’s be real: your baby bump is at peak cuteness during trimester two, and who likes going on vacation looking less than their best? Nobody. Work that bump, lady friend. Live your truth.
Choose your location wisely.
If you’re having a healthy pregnancy, it’s cool to fly until about 35 weeks, but keep in mind that you don’t want to be too far away from home in case of any emergencies. Whether you’re flying or driving for your babymoon vacation, you’ll want to keep travel time to a minimum, because ew, traveling sucks, but you’re also growing a human, so traveling has the potential to extra-suck. If you live in like, Omaha, this is not the time to finally see the Sydney Opera House, is what I’m saying. It’s too late.
If you’re flying, remember to skip the x-ray machine if possible, stay hydrated, and avoid foods that will upset your stomach. Try for an aisle seat so you have easy bathroom access, and bring a letter from your doctor confirming that you can fly, just in case. If you’re driving, take frequent breaks to stretch your legs and ensure circulation, wear your seatbelt low, and sit as far back from the dashboard as you can.
Also, in planning your babymoon vacation, focus on relaxing activities. Duh. Maybe you’ve always wanted to do that mule ride to the bottom of the Grand Canyon, but I’m telling you, it’s too late. Stop being so fussy and read by a pool while you still can (still so happy for you!).
Tell your doctor.
Before you officially book anything, let your doctor know about your babymoon plans so he or she can give you the green light and/or recommend some precautions. You might need to avoid certain foods or get a specific vaccination, for example, depending on where you’re going for your babymoon vacation.
And if your doctor is like, “Hell no, dude. You’re not going anywhere," it’s cool that your doctor swears in front of you. I like that informal vibe. I bet the delivery room atmosphere will be wicked chill. Who’s panicking? Not your cool, relatable doctor, that’s for sure. But, you know, don’t go anywhere.
It’s a bummer, but you will have to consider some what-if’s while you plan your babymoon vacation. If something goes wrong, you want to be prepared. Once you’ve chosen your destination, make sure you know where the nearest hospital is, and confirm that your health insurance covers you there. If not, you’ll need to get some travel insurance. Write down the name, address, and phone number of the hospital, so you can have it on hand.
If you’re traveling internationally (even though I told you it’s too late for Sydney), have a plan in place for getting medical attention there (and getting home quickly and safely, in case you need to leave early). Your trip will likely go off without a hitch, but being ready for anything will bring you the peace of mind you need to really relax.
Tell literally everyone you see what you’re doing.
Since you’re pregnant, you probably already know this, but people really love babies, dude. That’s why strangers keep touching your belly without permission. So fun! Anyway, if you mention that you’re on a babymoon vacation when you arrive at your destination, you might get a free upgrade to a nicer hotel room or some other cool perks, because people are in awe of your motherly glow and want you to have a nice time. Being vocal about your babymoon is also cool if you’re bringing a partner with you on this trip, because he or she can freeload off of the demanding physical work that you’re doing all alone! Hope you enjoy your half of the California king, Jeffrey. You certainly haven’t earned it, but fine.
Even if you don’t get a fancy suite or a first-class ticket out of it, telling people about your pregnancy can be a meaningful way to make the trip feel more special and bond with your partner. If you’re driving to your babymoon vacation, for example, you can use that road time to come up with fake, borderline-offensive names to tell people you’ve chosen for the child. There are also countless Rosemary’s Baby-type jokes to consider. Ah, making memories.
Well, that’s about all the advice I have, but I do want to end with one final suggestion. Perhaps the most important suggestion of all. Please don’t go on a cruise. This just isn’t the time, OK? Cruise ships are floating disease palaces, and everyone is desperate to prove they’re having a good time even though the buffet is garbage and you’re all trapped together on a vengeful sea. It’s too much. Save your strength. Enjoy your babymoon vacation!